2012: Let Go or Be Dragged
I have some good memories of my father, but most of my what I remember included memories of: fighting, drug and alcohol abuse, control, mind games, abuse and the severely toxic relationship between him and my mother. My childhood held experiences no child should have to experience. My father left when I was was 12, not to be heard from again for another 18 years. When I was 30, he re-entered my life. Even though I felt fear, anger, and insecurity;I was hopeful that healing could occur. Maybe... possibly ... I could even have my biological father in my life? Thanksgiving 2011, after 5 years of trying to heal a very wounded and toxic relationship: my father was murdered. Shot in the head twice. Attending the open casket funeral spun me into a massive panic that lasted for well over a year. The 13 month shift following the funeral, was very difficult for me. One day, I am going to write a NY Times best selling book about it all (it's pretty unbelievable... supernatural happenings, lots of cops, lots of prayer, smudging a car, hugging a tree, listening to a cow, a murder, a witch, divorce, bizarre happenings, amazing gifts, hilarious moments, heartache... all sorts of crazy stuff!).
For 13 months after the murder, I experienced many challenging events, all of which had a very toxic theme. EVERY week I had something happen that knocked me down. I kept praying for strength. I prayed to see what I needed to see and for God to guide me. I tried to focus on the good, submersing myself in cooking, exercise, prayer and my children. But the the weight piled on...
My oldest had an allergic reaction bee sting and bad bacterial infection from it. My home had TWO carbon monoxide leaks that filled my house with poison and scared me to my core. The new cat I got for Christmas, and named Gracy (because I sought Grace in my life) unexpectedly died within 6 months of us adopting her. My dog was run over. I called 911 seven times in a six month period, two of my children went to the ER, I called poison control three times. My house had three separate water leaks and a fly infestation. I lost half my hair. I had a severe allergic reaction requiring me to carry an EPI pen because ...of all things... I suddenly became allergic to Christmas poinsettias. A rat decided to make my car its new home. I was in the middle of my second divorce. My furnace broke, my dishwasher broke, my pipes broke, my car broke. I broke.
For 13 months, every time I stood up I was knocked down. I experienced DEBILITATING anxiety that literally made me shake. I became fearful of what would happen next. I didn't even know who I was. All I knew is that I wanted to FEEL: grace, peace, joy, security and calm. Then something happened... I gave up. I surrendered. And things began to change.
Like a birth, I was being pushed out of the life I knew and into a new one. Little did I know, I was about to throw everything I knew, everything I had, and everything I thought up in the air...
What I learned in my 13 month shift into 2013:
1. BE GRATEFUL.
2. EVEN THE SEEMINGLY BAD IS FOR THE GREATER GOOD... EVEN IF WE NEVER GET TO FIND OUT WHAT IT IS, AND COULDN'T POSSIBLY BEGIN TO COMPREHEND WHAT IT COULD BE.
3. WHEN UPSET... LIST EACH BLESSING (MY HEART IS BEATING... I HAVE FOOD TO EAT... I HAVE LOVE... ).
4. THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES.
5. WATCH YOUR THOUGHTS AND WHERE YOUR MIND GOES WHEN IT WONDERS... THIS IS WHERE YOUR HEART IS.
6. FALL DOWN 6, STAND UP 7.
7. FLOW WITH LIFE. WE ONLY GET TO SEE PART OF THE BIG PICTURE.
8. ALL IS WELL.
9. LET GO.
10. WORK HARD. PLAY HARD.
11. WE HAVE CHOICES AND LIFE WILL REFLECT THESE CHOICES. WE HAVE MEANINGFUL THOUGHTS AND LIFE WILL REFLECT THESE THOUGHTS.
12. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO CLOSE YOUR EYES AND TAKE A HUGE LEAP OF FAITH.
13. DON'T MARRY AN ASSHOLE.
Learning to live in the NOW is difficult for me, but it is a personal goal to realize: the past is gone, and tomorrow is nothing but an illusion. Until tomorrow happens it is not real. What is real is right now. And what matters is moments.
Learning to live in the NOW is difficult for me, but it is a personal goal to realize: the past is gone, and tomorrow is nothing but an illusion. Until tomorrow happens it is not real. What is real is right now. And what matters is moments.
Evera
